Spicy scenes and having family read it

I have a confession to make: I’m very shy when it comes to anything ‘spice’ related. You know, the kind of scenes that make your heart race and your cheeks flush. The kind of scenes that my older brother loves to read in his spicy books.

I can’t even say the word ‘sex’ out loud in front of my brothers, let alone write it. Instead, I use a code word: ‘uh uh scenes’. But that doesn’t stop them from teasing me, especially my younger brother and older brother. They think it’s funny how I get embarrassed by something so natural and normal.

Maybe it’s because I’m autistic that I have trouble with this. I’ve always been sensitive to sensory stimuli and emotions. Sometimes, they overwhelm me and I don’t know how to express them. Writing has been a way for me to cope and communicate, but writing spicy scenes is a whole different challenge.

I found out the only way I could write those scenes and share them with my older brother was when I get high. Yes, you read that right. I get high and write spicy scenes. It sounds crazy, but it works for me. It helps me relax and let go of my inhibitions. It makes me feel more confident and creative.

Of course, I don’t write them perfectly. Sometimes, they don’t sound right in my head or on paper. That’s when I ask my older brother to read them and give me feedback. He’s very supportive and honest. He tells me what works and what doesn’t. He helps me improve my writing and my spice level. He’s only read two scenes so far, but he says they’re good.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be comfortable writing or talking about spicy scenes, but I’m proud of myself for trying. I think it’s important to explore and express different aspects of myself, even the ones that scare me. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to say the word ‘sex’ without blushing. Until then, I’ll keep writing ‘uh uh scenes’ and getting high.